I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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