Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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