I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
