Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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