I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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