on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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