I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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