you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
