My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
