I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
