I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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