There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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