You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
