party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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