me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
