my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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