ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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