he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
