wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
