well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
