i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
