I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
