He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Text me some of your sweat
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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