this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
