Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
