my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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