They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
