Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish you could order shots online.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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