Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
