youre lurking in front of me
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
