So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
