I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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