____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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