who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
