Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
