having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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