I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
