My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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