i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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