ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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