One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
