Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
