Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
