I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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