You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
