I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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