Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
