why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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