That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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