If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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