if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
