I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
